A picture that gets smeared in white

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 01:53:03 GMT

My lj theme is so... blah. I want color and happy feeling... or at the very least Jaejoong. But I've been over this 78565487 times -_-
I find a theme... and can't edit the banner and it's jumbled together like Michael Jackson's face. So I revert to a premade layout. On the other hand, my photoshop has gone down the drain. As enticing as the Balloons PV is, it must be against the law to use icons from such a long time ago. I've lost inspiration, rather I'm too tired to work.

Last night, I procrastinated. My Frost analysis was overdue. I typed out random ramblings (which surprisingly are very coherent as of today) until midnight and my 700-1000 word paper is barely there. Really, Bobby, your poem is 15 lines long. There are only a limited number of interpretations on the juxstaposition of reality and knowledge.

OTHERS taunt me with having knelt at well-curbs
Always wrong to the light, so never seeing
Deeper down in the well than where the water
Gives me back in a shining surface picture
My myself in the summer heaven, godlike	5
Looking out of a wreath of fern and cloud puffs.
Once, when trying with chin against a well-curb,
I discerned, as I thought, beyond the picture,
Through the picture, a something white, uncertain,
Something more of the depths—and then I lost it.	10
Water came to rebuke the too clear water.
One drop fell from a fern, and lo, a ripple
Shook whatever it was lay there at bottom,
Blurred it, blotted it out. What was that whiteness?
Truth? A pebble of quartz? For once, then, something.

Cool guy, clouded words.
Or at least to the sleep-deprived mind.

I don't drink Caffeine at all now. (well tea doesn't count) Green tea is cool. :] But no more coffee, which leaves no choices at cool places like starbucks. Plus, they stare you down so much when you ask for soy milk. The 'baristas' are honestly so rude. "A frapucchino, you know that's cold right?" Umm... duh? Baristas... what a weird term. Anyways, after my soy mil plea, they stare me down. "Would you like whipped cream?" And when the answer is no they are basically half out of the counter looking for a hemp bag, cornrows, and converse.

That just went nowhere.. anyways, I'm cutting down on the caffeine in my life. :]
Top 5 reasons for not drinking coffee -

5. Green tea is love. <3
4. I'm permanently brain-damaged by one too many all-nighters (can't shake Harvard sleep bulimia)
3. Coffee makes me wired... and weird.
2. Antioxidants *I love the little grape juice commercial. The little girl is SO ADORABLE*
1 Added sugar x_x

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 19:29:22 GMT

NO MORE
HIATUS.

I am sorry for anyone at best_of_seoul.
I was taken down by mono and befallen for weeks.
Only now I'm slowly recovering (rest is friend-locked)...

:]

Thank you a TON for milena_1980 for reaching out and cheering me up through this time.
Even if it's a small message, kindness is not easily forgotten. <3333

threeeee thiiings

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 04:50:47 GMT

tagged, by milena_1980
so there so no choice but to succumb to her ploys. XP

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Ria
2. Ree-yah (or any weird prononciation as I have heard used by all others)
3. M.A. <- for those friends who insist on calling me by my initials.

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. _hee_ri_ (obsolete)
2. tangerine_dreams57 (it seems like such a long time ago... actually I still use it for most things)
3. fundamental_lov (my best invention)

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I have skinny arms, and skinny wrists, and long slender nails. But that's the only graceful part of me .
2. My legs are lean and muscled (O_O sounds weird, I know) from too much running
3. I WILL like my teeth once kiss my dental appliance good-bye! XP

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My teeth!!! As of now. They're not bad completely, but my palate is narrow and its screwing up by bite.
2. By face in general. I think its too wide and my nose is disproportionate to the rest. X_X
3. Glasses

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. A weird undistinguishable mix of Asian
2. Eastern European
3. Italian. <33

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Silence (O_O)
2. Fish!! I have a natural phobia...
3. Being left alone forever

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Jaejoong!! (fill in same for nos. 2 +3
2. Computer (with Internet and LJ)
3. Lotion (I have dry skin)

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Dark skinny jeans
2. Green wifebeater (although its FREEZING)
3. Silver headband

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. DBSK
2. Ayumi Hamasaki/Koda Kumi (too painful to choose)
3. Chopin (yes, I'm lame like that)

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS: (at the moment)
1. DBSK - Love in the Ice
2. Anyband - TPL (talk, play love)
3. Koda Kumi feat. Exile - Won't Be Long

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. Humor
2. Trust
3. Kim Jaejoong LOL <- can't help but leave this one here

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
1. Jaejoong has ME on speed dial. :D
2. It's past midnight and I have a two page French essay due tomorrow
3. People overestimate my intelligence

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Long, flowy, beautiful hair (or any hair like Jaejoong's <3)
2. Being witty
3. Adorkability

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Writing
2. Music (playing, listening, singing)
3. Photography/Photoshop

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Go to sleep!!!
2. Visit DBSK (in a nonstalker way, if at all possible x_x)
3. Find out which food I am allergic to

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/YOU'VE CONSIDERED:
1. Philosopher (when I was little)
2. Interior decorator
3. Biomolecular Engineer (as of now)

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. KOREAAAAA! --- same.
2. Japan! --- same.
3. Paris! --- same.

THREE KID'S NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. Faye
2. Evelien
3. Ada

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Fulfill AT LEAST ONE true fangirl act
2. Find true love
3. Change someone's life.

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
1. I FANGIRL A LOT. --- same.
2. I am disgustingly clean and organized in whatever I do
3. I care too much about my hair. T_T

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY (LIKE) A BOY:
1. CONVERSE!! about seven pairs in my closet.
2. I'm grungy when no one sees me. ~~In a gross way~~
3. I did go through a boy hair phase (shudder)

THREE PEOPLE THAT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW
untinnu, ai_love_sarang, vrilly

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 02:08:45 GMT

Going back to school tomorrow after mid-year break. T_T
I'm disappointed and not in the least bit excited.

But I would rather leave such bitterness behind since I finished (FINALLY) all of my research apps.
Except for Cornell, but Cornell will have to wait, I have more important things on my mind.
LIKE.. studying for exams which is exactly what I will do after this and showering and going into bed.
Cette nuit, je rêverai en français si ce serai possible.

My parents are watching tennis downstairs. x_x That is so like them. I mean they won't even watch football or baseball. Only tennis and soccer. And they refer to all the players by their first names, which is a ton creepy, like "wow.. Venus is losing her skill right?" or "Come one, Maria, push it!" I keep on hearing these random yells which frighten me, but only slightly. Its the same during the world cup, except I watch it with them and me and my dad practically glue ourselves to the couch. He's in it for the game, I'm in it for the hott soccer players (<333). But hey, he doesn't have to know. ;]
I do like the game I guess. But only when good teams are playing. Like I can't stand all the Brit leagues and the constant obsession of Europe. On the other hand, I might fit right in.
Europe and soccer is to South Korea and boy bands.
Can't come up with a better analogy? Yeah... my brain is falling apart tonight.

Au demain.
Je sais que je vais détéster tout ce que j'écrirai en français maintenant, parce que c'est toujours mauvais. T_T
oooo... comme je n'aime pas la langue français, ou pas de langue... ainsi ma classe de français et un prof qui ne peut pas enseigner.

Bisous pour vous. <33

DBSK's new Japanese album is a must to ~~download~~ buy!!
Love in the ice is my new favorite song in Japanese (after Begin and Sky, but those will forever be undefeated)
I love the ahhhiing in the background of Jae's heavenly voice and the arrangement sounds amazing (which is not the same for all of teh songs on the album *shudder at together*) It's such an emotional soft spoken song. ^^
Which is erfect for their voices cause DBSK is much more dancy and flashy in Japan with their overdone overspiked hair and R-n-B-ish feel.
But love in the Ice is definite drool-worthy material. :]

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 16:51:09 GMT

I think I just failed my French midterm.
There were so many questions I was unsure of and then the essay I completely BSed.

This is it.
I'm spending WAY too much time on unnecessary things.
From now on, I'm spending every waking moment of my life studying for French.
Otherwise I'll fail the AP exam at the end of the year.
Its not even fully me.
I blame myself for not studying enough, but no one in my school has gotten above a 3 (the equivalent of a C) for over four years.
So its definitely Monsieur's fault to a greater extent.
All we do is real stupid articles from Le Monde and do exercises without actually learning the grammar.
It makes me SO SO SO frustrated.
We never et to practice writing and composing sentences.

In other words, my French language skill are très horrible indeed.
T_T
T_T
T_T

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 23:20:01 GMT

“A lie rots someone’s soul. Once you swallow a lie and try to grow it out as a truth, it slowly eats away at
everything you are....everything that you try to achieve. You can’t grow anything positive in the barren soil that a
lie fallows.”

If you're reading this (you know who you would be), I just hope you can understand.

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 23:01:54 GMT

you know one of those songs that will not leave your head no matter what?

The Red Cherry version off the remix in Black Cherry is a TON more livelier. It sounds Gangster... not like 'Gangtsaaaah' o_o, but think of Chicago (the musical) instead of guys in do-rags. But that's just me...
Hmm... sort of like Kutchibitu Kara Romantica from AAA.
But then again, Koda Kumi in a bar scene... that's not typical AT ALL for her (thinks back to Amai Wana, Lies, feel, cherry girl, JUICY, and all the other ~~lewd~~ provocative bar PVs)
Not that I find anything wrong with her. I've been through enough Koda/Ayumi (or even better Koda vs Ayumi) bashings to last me a lifetime and a half. Most of her music is great and I do like it. She can pull of the tough, the cute, and the sexy image well. Something many singers can't do, as they hang up in one (either outright slutty or sickengly cute).
I respect her a lot as an artist who achieved so much after being virtually nothing.
EXCEPT. The exception is that of her PVs bordering on outright pr0n. Like Ima sugu hoshii or Shake it (not Shake it up), but hey... you got to do that you got to do.
At least she has that good voice to sell with her body...

I want a hair cut. No, scratch that. I'm in a dire need of a hair cut. Right now, I'm in that awkward border-line state between up to ear bob (which I definitely got before Posh, and proud of it. XP) and long waxy locks. Except my hair is nowhere long and wavy. Its straight and brittle from color damage. But hey, its growing out and I've learned my lesson until next time.
I remember... I went through so many stages last year. November 2006 was my introduction into K-Pop fandom and I got sucked in, vortexed and spit back out as a crazed fangirl. And so there was the stage of wanting Korean guy hair. I was entranced by the layering and the shortness of it all (since my hair had been getting gradually shorted since 2004) so I chopped almost everything off in a tribute to Yesung's hair.

It was quite cruel, you know, like "Baby, I only want you for your hair"
Since really at the I wasn't into his voice really (things have since changed)
But it came to be a TOTAL DISASTER!!!!
I already have thin hair and the stylist thinned it even more, so it looked okay after I got it but than that night I was showering and chunks started falling out. SO I was bawling my eyes out like a little kid. And she ended up doing it all wrong anyway, although I brought TONS of close up pictures, so it looked horrible and short and I was so embarrassed that I wore my hair up every single day with a million hair clips and bobby pins. And the dye job was really generic and WAY too bright, so I looked like Yesung: a piss-drunk Yesung who asked an equally drunk Heechul to style his hair and then woke up with half of it chopped of.

It was not pretty.

So I let my hair grow out and all was happy, tralalalala, or so it seemed. In may I let someone ruin my hair once more by doing horrible attempt at an asymetrical bob (which I just let grow out since it looked borderline ridiculous on my head when it was down) and my bangs were left as they were (another big mistake).

I don't mean to sound as bitter as I do. ^^
Really, I was young and foolish and did not know what is good for me.

So then in Harvard this summer, I wanted straight bangs (did you know that Joongie got astigmatism from his side bangs which is why he always has the part which kinda goes down to the middle. yeah... ) and straight bangs I got, along with the thinning of them... (why?!? always with the thinning... I think there must be a God up there who hates the hell out of me). So they were thinned and they were primmed and my hair was once again bobbed. And I looked like a freak.

And in the fall... I got it evened out because after three years of short hair, I am tired and I want to go back to long hair. :]
All these hair disasters are coming back to haunt me... but once all of my chopped off hair comes back, I will be that much happier. Like, really happy. Its just that my hair is dark and straight and really cannot be molded well to get out of its straightness so people do not realize that. Like they will cut it to go in and everyone else's would . But does my listen? No... it just stays straight.

So in short, this rant is useless and I'm WAY overdue for a nice haircut.

May the force be with me...

SHAMELESS ADVERTISING. . .

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 20:33:13 GMT

If anyone reads my journal or at least glances occasionally,
be a dear,

join

best_of_seoul

a brand-spankin'-new livejournal community for collabing (different from cah-lubbing)
Unsure of what collabing is?
Check it out. <333
you will not live to regret it. :]

I am also looking for someone to help with making a banner, whom I will supply with cookies for life.

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 16:03:01 GMT

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 15:54:49 GMT

I want to quit my job.
It's not like it is anything important. I waitress part-time at a Sushi place (once a week for a 12 hour shift rendering me only $80 for shift, give or take due to tip). But these days I'm growing tired. I'm physically exhausted. I am tired of the owner and his lewd comments (and gross remarks). I'm tired of giving up my Saturdays for the sake of waitressing. I have AP exams to study for and standardized tests. I want to do better in school and I want to strive and to achieve to do more that I am able to now.

And I sound depressive, but that is how I've been feeling lately. Mostly, I am exhausted physically.

This week, I went to my physician. She was angry again. I do not blame her, but her worries are trivial. I lost weight again (after holiday season), but trully, it was nothing major. My BMI is 20.1 which is a perfect weight for my height. Of course I'm like any other girl and I want to have a flatter stomach or fit into smaller sizes ( I'm a cruel product of today's society), but she does not listen. Its just tat I gain and lose weight so easily. I've lost 12 pounds since the beginning of summer (but that is only because I worked out and walked on stairs and ate um... semi well), but that is no reason to be called anorexic. She threatened me with a weight-loss clinic. And she's forcing me to keep a food log for the next two weeks (half for my other milk problem... but STILL!!! its unfair) so I'll show her and eat as fatty and unhealthy as possible. Its not even that, its that I lose weight by losing a lot of muscle off track season, which will not happen cause I have to keep it up and to train for the 800 (half) spring.

I also want to ...

<friend-locked>

No more empty promises...

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 18:54:59 GMT

There are so many things I've yet to do this weekend!!! sajgsadkjhsfkdsjhfsjafhldsajf
*incoherent typing which would take up too much room*

I'm going to work in about an hour and I've just come back from the research center. (which was highly enlightening. Like do you know that McDonalds puts the same compound into their milkshakes as is put into diapers to make them absorbent which makes the milkshakes viscous and thick even when they melt. Not that I am a proponent of fast food, but that's just plain gross. They're shoving chemicals into us without informing us. Albeit harmless in the big spectrum, but still completely inorganic alien substances! But I digress... x_x)

I've about two million thousand essays to do yet this weekend and I've yet to start.
Such is the virtue and the downfall of the procrastinator..

I might, however, be going to ITALY this summer. Italia, the land of good chocolate and guys with hot Italian accents (obviously XP). Well those are of course not the reasons of why I want to go. I want to practice my French and experience the countrysides of Torino and Tuscany. Too late for the Olympics but never too late for fun.
I think if I do well in school, my parents will let me leave for about a month. :]
This is like UBER AMAZING!!!!<3333

And htink of it, it all began because I was buying half-off calendars in Borders the day after Christmass and all of the good ones were gone so I bought one of Tuscany (cause I've had pictures from Paris at night and Scenes from Provence shoved down my throat by my French teacher by way too much time). And so my dad is in the car and he tells me over so nonchalantly that we have RELATIVES, like real-life, breathing, existing, REAL RELATIVES (gasp) in Italy. So I jump on that bandwagon and offer to pay for the trip myself (cause I can ^^).
And he called them... and they said yes, so I (might) go to ITALY.

DBSK is LOVE <3333

Thu, 10 Jan 2008 22:56:36 GMT

Thu, 10 Jan 2008 22:46:06 GMT

So today I was talking to a friend. We always have profound , albeit useless, conversations in the many hours of the day that we see each other. I was talking of... god what was it? Oh... male eating habits and how disgusting they are. I had lunch with my physics class today (two guys and a male teacher). Let me tell you. it was NOT pretty. Lunch was sloppy joes and other undistinguishable foods which looked like they could crawl off the plastic trays any second. And then... adding insult to injury, they gobbled down the food in Olympic record time, standing up, before we even got to the classroom.
I mean, I barely ate half of a banana (I don't eat school food because I'm honestly downright afraid) by the time they were entirely done.
But I'm rambling off topic. Like I always do. It was just so profoundly gross though....

So we were talking about eating and I said how...

(the rest is friend-locked, sorry! x_x)

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 01:49:40 GMT

let's talk, play, and love...

the last resort - chapter 1

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 02:50:03 GMT

A/N This is not as polished as I wanted to be, but I found this story wandering into so many directions so I wanted to keep it on track before it ran away from me entirely.
And this is the result. Good or bad. You be the judge.

I hope you enjoy this. Comments are <333

cross-posted to jaeho_detox and hug______

prologue

Chapter 1

His languid fingers traced the padded wall. They pressed into the white foam, never feeling solidity beneath. Alone, he felt dizzy, disoriented. You’re in a better place. The phrase reverberated through his mind. The nurse had left his side as soon as he was awake. She had never stopped smiling.

‘She’s afraid of you’, a voice rang in his mind.

Why would she be afraid of him?

‘You know why, don’t pretend. You know why you are here.’

“Stop!” he cried, and the voice disappeared.

Jaejoong was alone.

He took in his surrounding, inhaling deeply. The air was stale - sanitary. Just like in the gloomy hospitals he had visited as a child. Jaejoong crossed the room. One, two... thirty three steps across, the same down; like in the crossword puzzles he had done so long ago. Read a clue, write the word, make sure all others fit around it. He felt like a white square, bare and boxed in. There was a rounded bed, a rounded desk, and a chair - not a sharp corner in sight. Yellow azaleas rested in a glass vase on the top of the desk by the chair. He bent down to examine them closer - fake flowers in a plastic container. Someone had placed a photograph of lilies on an otherwise empty wall, a sad attempt to cover the sparsity.

A pair of white linen trousers and a white linen shirt lay pressed on the chair. He dressed hurriedly, shedding his hospital gown onto the floor and kickingit absentmindedly.

The eerie silence was deafening. He would go insane just being here.

“Jaejoong! Jaejoong wake up! We’re going on a journey.”

“Journey... where?”

“To a better place.”

“This is a good enough place. I don’t want to leave it. “

“Jaejoong, I am not taking you away for ever, this is for your own good.”

“I’m not coming!”

“Jaejoong!”

“No”

“Jaejoong, your mother made me promise that I would take you there.”

Jaejoong hated lies.

~~~

“Mr. Kim, please follow me. Mr. Kim, Mr. Kim, are you listening? Mr. KIM!!”

A pair of listless eyes looked at her. The figure stood defiant.

“Please help me God,” she muttered under her breath. “Mr. Kim,” her voice softened, “Jaejoong... please follow me.”

“Yes,” His rasped reply came. The gaunt figure followed the voice he now deemed familiar through the stained white hallways and into a white reception area.

The desk receptionist let them into an oval office. She have no concern for the gaunt young man escorted by a nurse to the president’s office. No doubt it was another patient, pity he was a pretty one. Within her twenty years at the Jeju Island Mental Facility, she had seem it all: the silent, listless types, the ones lost in their own world, the confused who thought they were famous world leaders. In fact Kim Jong-Il had walked into the office only a few hours ago. The young man was no different.

Pity though, he was just too beautiful to be insane. At least he used to be. Most remnants of beauty had been smudged clean from his starved gaunt face.

She picked up his file, first in the stack of incoming patients, flipping though the yellowed pages. On the first page was a picture of a sullen young boy, 11 at the most. He looked at the camera with wide eyes, a scared countenance. Hastily paperclipped to the opposite page was an updated profile. Kim Jaejoong, age 19, height 172 cm, hair black, eyes brown, diagnosis - unconfirmed.

On the pages were pasted pictures of a smiling young boy with bright, wide eyes, on a swing in the middle of a city park, the same little boy eating a watermelon, his face and shirt soaked through with the sticky juice. Hastily scribbled notes filled the pages. As she continued, there were other pictures, of an older teenager. Except he was no longer smiling.

A listless young man looked into the distance in the foreground of a grey-walled building. The gaunt face in a hospital gown looked at the receptionist from every page. The boys earlier beauty dissipated. Recorded instances of sibling abuse were tucked into the page. The receptionist had wished she never picked up the file. Pages of tests and diagnoses scribbled hastily into corners followed, between stapled papers of medical analyses from Seoul’s top mental institutions. The starved profile of the young man looked at her from every page. An ADHD diagnose crossed out, replaced with Schizophrenia, replaced with something she could not distinguish. She flipped to the last page. The doctor had left a not...

“Mrs. Jung, please bring the patient’s folder in.” A muted voice buzzed from the intercom.

She hastily closed the file. Pity such a beautiful soul was coming here. Because this place was the last resort .

The receptionist held up the photograph of her son and turned it gently face-down on the desk. It was going to be one of those days.

END of Chapter 1

another chapter!
I'm really excited about this story as it is entirely nouveau to me, in genre and in Jaeho.
Thank you so much for everyone who are replied. You are my biggest inspiration! <333

Sun, 06 Jan 2008 04:52:12 GMT

No really. People who come to that level are too adamant activists who do not value their health in the least.
Slaughter of animals is cruel murder but so is killing yourself over something.
Plus, vegans are the kind of people who will not let you go, and they will pester you about meat questioning your every reason to live. They are extreme, creepy some might say. Vegans wear hemp and burn leather jackets.

Their violence and self-denial do not make the world a better place at all.

Yeah, yeah, yeah... I shouldn't be saying this. I'm a vegetarian myself. BUT.... I'm the horrible, selfish vegetarian. I do it for health reasons (the no-rotting meat, don't get cancer reasons) and also as a silent protest towards the govenmental fields we are using for grazing which could be used for crops. Also because meat is the epicenter of unhealthy eating. And even so, I never hear the end of it from others. They feel a constant need to pester me with questions, or worse, they think that I take offense to people eating meat in front of me and turn away, apologizing profusely. Most of all, there are the hypocrites who use me as their church confession by telling me that they only eat one kind of meat and that they eat meat once a week, or rarely.

It's cruel, but I do not care. We are free to make our own choices and I respect theirs and ask them only to respect mine.

Which is what I am writing about. Choices - they are something we take for granted until they are taken away.

If I am a vegetarian who cannot eat any dairy products, am I a vegan?

I'm vegetarian by choice, and if my doctor confirms my lactose intolerance )which is highly severe, I think), I will be vegan by force.

I really don't like vegans.

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 20:37:48 GMT

I don't know who I am as a writer anymore. I used to have tons of inspiration and so much imagination. And now I feel as if I'm sucking dry the last remnants, dying to get the last drops out. My diction, my understanding of writing. My thoughts even are all over the place. Maybe I'm trying to be too profound. Or perhaps I've lost the touch of myself. I want my writing to be personal. I want to find a way to write more and to write better despite any distraction.

but its so difficult to find the right words. It's so difficult to be witty, to not use clichés, to be warm and cold when I want to, to be close (well, not distant). Its difficult to get past the sarcasm found in life.

Is writing then something inherent, something which manifests itself naturally, or do we have to strive to do better, do we have to read manuals and practice? That seems to have never worked for me.

Maybe I'm comparing myself too much to other people, to their style - so much that I lose my own.

What has happened to me?

Please disregard this.
I don't usually complain.
Except when this sadness overflows my heart.

Thu, 27 Dec 2007 14:42:06 GMT

yeah... you can see I gave up.

My layout dream turned into a nightmare.
A nightmare which was not supported by lj's new graphic system.
Boo hoo...

It can't be helped, so I decided to go generic. At least until I am ready to spend another evening in front of my computer staring down 48 pages of un-editable layouts. Fun....

on the other hand, I'll still keep my graphics here somehow.

On an unrelated note, I rebooted my computer and reinstalled everything yesterday. It had been slowing down, so I felt a rebirth moment coming.
Little did I know that my innocent rebirth would be followed by a deletion of EVERY SINGLE VIDEOS I had collected for over three years.
I had entire concert downloaded for hours from Clubbox. I had live perfomances, music videos, funny little clips, and moves.

And now over 60 Gb are lost.

I'm crushed.

i HATE technology.

because its cynical you know.

All of my files were kept except for those.

I'll move on. But it still hurts more than you can imagine.

Thu, 27 Dec 2007 14:34:36 GMT

A belated Merry Christmas to everyone!
May your days be filled with good cheer way after the insanity of the shopping season comes to pass.

and so to leave everyone happpy:
Happy boxing day
Merry Kwanzaa
Happy Hanukhah

and there's always Festivus for the rest of us. ^^

have you ever...

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 19:41:53 GMT

Had a dream, a nightmare almost, that you could not get out of your head no matter what? What if it occurred over and over again and again?

I'm afraid.. well more perplexed than afraid. It had happened to me twice in my lifetime, both of which were more ridiculous than prophetic... I remember the first time was when i WAS ABOUT SIX AND THEN AGAIN WHEN i WAS BARELY EIGHT. ok, nvm. my caps lock turned on by accident. -_-. fixed now though.. so then it was more of a dream that replayed itself in the exact way as before. I knew what was happening and when ans yet I had to follow through. It was like a video game , where unless you fight the big mean boss, you will wander around the castle forever and never reach the next level. That was more ridiculous though.. there was a wizard, well more magician, in a tuxedo, a top hat, a wand, and a bunny hidden in it, who was zapping me with said wand and trying to (gasp) kill me in my grandpa's house. I still remember the moment when I saw my grandma in the kitchen. I followed and when she turned around it was no other than the scary wizard guy.. Yeah.. definitely too much for my little self. And it happened again.

Creepy...

The next time was in eighth and ninth grades. It was more of stupidity though, I did not know my true self at the time, and I kept on having these dreams with the same theme (notice, not the same people) out of stupidity. And those dreams were not only illogical, but entirely implausible. Dreams that would make you say (WTF, man?!?) "huh?" But the point is they kept on (sporadically) repeating. It was ... unpleasant. I guess.

And now it is happening again. Expect, I had my fourth dream on the same subject (with the same people) since OCTOBER. (caps intended this time) The dreams themselves may be illogical, but they are not implausible. As in, if if were true, it could easily happen. But its not. And that is what it bothering.
It's not like it is random. I had toyed with the idea (or its improbability) since October, really. I tried to ignore it, but you can't block out dreams right? It was my mind telling me to go back and ponder the topic. And I hate myself for it, because it is so illogical. And these dreams are really getting to me. First the idea was only blossoming, but the last dream was vivid (I think explicit is a better word, but it gives it a false sexual connotation, doesn't it?) I can't seem to get then out of my head.

My mind is telling me something and as the first step is to 'admit' the problem, I already have. Its nothing big, just highly illogical.
The next step is to resolve it, and make it go away, but that might prove too difficult.

this only took about two hours

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 04:27:26 GMT

note the sarcasm,
but at this point, formatting a perfect width is beyond me.
I am relatively happy with my new layout....
but it seems almost too cheery for the melancholy feeling I had tried to evoke.
Sad, is it not?

But it is from Bonjour Paris! and it is joongie, which makes it all better.
he seems to have that effect on any work, does he not?
I have no idea why he is not in any of my ocins though... but it is far too late now.

And yes, Ria is back from the dead. :]

Sat, 04 Aug 2007 05:27:15 GMT

Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence.

Fri, 04 May 2007 10:36:21 GMT

so... I'm writing this a t 6:09 am as if there are no other better tihngs to do as I get ready for school. But my parents are already at wrok so they can't say anything to me. bwahahaha...
weird way to spend a Friday morning, huh?

haha.... mornings are so overrated. I spend over an hour getting ready for school and for what? I just wish we had a uniform so I never would worry about my dressing habits again. Sure would make life a lot easier.

Yesterday, we had a meet. We lost embarrassingly, but they weren't even in our league. I ran the 800m for the first time. I consider that I went to hell and back on that one. Two laps that I wanted to be over after the first 200 meters. x.x
But I'm still alive. haha...

And so I depart for school. excitement.... <- note the sarcasm

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 02:31:34 GMT

work, piano, band, school... all of it is making my life incredibly busy. I don't even have a second to breathe. Which is why I'm destressing on LJ (mostly detox). x.x Seriously, each day is torture. The first class after a week of vacation, we have a pop quiz. that's PURE SADISM! And there will be two others this week. x.x Plus, a track meet and working all evening on the next day

I guess, life has its own ups and downs because I got.....

ACCEPTED!!!! ^^

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 02:10:09 GMT

work in two days!! ^^
should I be happy? o_O

my inspiration is back in a twisted form. a REALLY TWISTED form...